“The state of feeling very unhappy and without hope for the future”, The literal meaning of depression as the dictionary phrased, was the tornado running inside me this easy to explain? Questioning myself my eyebrow raised.
I was confined in the cage trying hard to flap my wings to fly,
But every time I tried, the realisation of being restricted in the fetters would hit me, making my soul cry.
Dear mom and dad I wish I could tell you how it felt to feel nothing at all,
Just as lifeless as that brick of the wall
The dark room, the songs and, the window corner were the perfect escape I had
Or sometimes scrolling through my phone or just the fan I was looking at
Jumping off that huge green coloured building or slitting my nerve
The thoughts would just stay with me because that’s what I deserve
Never could summon the strength to actually do what my google chrome’s history spoke
I was afraid of the answers you would have to give to the world after my death, I could hear that voice choked
So the idea changed but the intention remained the same
Praying to god to maybe hit me from that loaded truck on the street nearby so that I didn’t have to face the blame
Or may be someone to sit by my side and sing me the lullaby to death
Sleeping in hope to never wake up again,constantly wishing if it could please be my last breath
How do I tell you that everyday is either bad ,worse or worst
Nothing was quenching my empty soul’s thirst
Neither does that plate of rajma chawal excites me,nor that outfit from zara appealing enough
Everything around me why why is just so tough
My bed has wrapped me in his arms,Everytime trying to get up and i just cant
The self hatred and anxiety pulls me back,to the world full of cracks
Its that feeling when you know that you are in pain but you cant feel it
You know that something is killing you but does not kills you
One day I thought I can ,but the fear of failure held me tight
To add there wasn’t any desire to get up and fight
I am not a patient on bed having some “genuine” illness
But my suffering, my pain is no less
I wish I could tell the world that I am not victimising my self
Its the change that has happened – From being an extrovert to enclosing myself in the shelf
From tapping my feet on every song
To wondering if i and dancing would every be able to get along
From that happy go lucky girl as her resume told
To turning the complete opposite of bold
From that charming eyes to the gloomy smiles
Death became appealing and life a nightmare
Good at nothing or at least i felt that way. But really why would you care?
The tunnel with not even a pinch of light at the end
Self loathing and self doubt became my bestest friend
Every night the moon would bid adieu , but the darkness would stay for longer
My heart craving for warmth, but could just hear the world speaking – “don’t be weak, try to be a little stronger”
I wish i could tell them that i was stronger than they thought, living dual personality,
Both of them having rivalary with each other in disguise,
Pretending to be fine when all I am doing is a compromise
I wish I could tell you that sometimes it was like somebody has the hit mute button and I was all numb
But other days my brain was screaming but no one heard the grief, at the end even i succumbed.
The sun that once meant hope and shine
Is plodiing away making my eyes go blind….
The soul was eaten away by the termite
My eyes looked for the answer “why me?” Every night
Guilt,self loathing,dejected,irritated and nothingness were just random words as you would say
Only I know how it felt losing myself a little more than yesterday
Drowning in the quicksand, screaming loud in my head
For somebody to come and declare that “her soul is dead”.
The question people asked. “What are you depressed for”, wanting me to explain?
I am sorry I really don’t have a story to justify my pain
Yes, I had the life anyone would desire for,
The captain of her team, head girl of her school and president of her society and to top it all I was best at her job.
But still my soul is deliriously exhausted
My dreams that once motivated me now seems to be haunted
Stop telling me to follow a routine or wake up early in the morning to have the sunbath
Because I tried and still it feels to walk barefoot on the thorns in that maze game where I know there is a way out but I can’t solve it without someone guiding me the path
I tried everything I could,reading novels from Jin Sincero or Mark Manson
But when you are fucked up inside no one from outside can make you feel as if you have won the battela nd come out as a champion
I wish it was easy to snap out of it
Because i too don’t want to feel like a piece of shit.
An ear to listen or a hearrt to empathise is not what i need
I need a doctor or a psychiatrist for me to heal
I wish i could tell you how hard was it to pen down this consumed hollow space on a blank sheet
Wanting nobody to relate to this agony or else my heart would bleed.
To end it i only have a request to make Please don’t belittle my suffering
Because honestly i didn’t choose that feeling.
(This piece has been contributed by Nishtha Khanduja)